


Living with It

by MisMiz (Jaaaaack51)



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, First Kiss, First Time, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sappy, Slash, Wallowing in Emotion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-16
Updated: 1999-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 16:25:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5011612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaaaaack51/pseuds/MisMiz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can't live with Vin. Can't live without him. It's a dilemma. What's a poor Chris to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Vin or Not to Vin? That is the Question.

Chris Larabee sat at a table by himself in the saloon, staring moodily down at the nearly empty glass in front of him. Without looking up, he reached out and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was sitting next to the glass. Tilting it over the glass, he gave a muttered curse as he realized the contents were gone. He was debating the wisdom of ordering another bottle, when a shadow fell across the table. He glanced up to see Buck Wilmington staring down at him in concern.

"You ok there, pard?" Buck questioned softly.

"I'm fine, Buck." Chris replied shortly, hoping Buck would get the hint and go away.

Instead, his friend pulled up a chair and sat down across from him. 

"Where's Vin?" Buck asked, looking around for the tracker who was never far from Chris's side.

Chris tightened his fingers around the glass in front of him and took a deep breath before answering.

"Don't know. Probably sleeping. Like the rest of us should be." He realized how snappish he sounded and rushed on before his friend could reply. "Look Buck, I know you mean well, but I just got some thinking to do and I'd appreciate being left alone to do it."

"Sure Chris. I'll be around if you need me."

The gunslinger didn't miss the flash of hurt in his friend's eyes as Buck got up and walked away, but he didn't call him back. He really did have some thinking to do, like he'd said.

With a sigh, Chris leaned back in his chair. He'd lied to Buck. He knew exactly where Vin was. And he'd bet his last dollar that Vin wasn't sleeping either. He was waiting on an answer from Chris. An answer Chris wasn't sure he could give.

Feelings of shame and confusion roiled through him as he thought about the tracker. Closing his eyes, he replayed their last conversation for what felt like the hundredth time that evening.

He'd been working on his house late that afternoon, trying to repair some of the latest damage, when he saw Vin come riding up. As the tracker dismounted, Chris's greeting froze on his lips. 

"What's wrong?" he'd demanded, motioning his friend inside. Vin's face was one of grim resolve. As if he'd steeled himself to some task and was determined to see it through, come hell or high water. Chris had never seen him look so serious. Vin wasn't the type to spook easily so whatever it was that got him looking like that had to be really bad.

"Nothing's wrong exactly." Vin took a deep breath. "It's just, there's something that needs saying between us." 

The tracker stood silently for a minute after he finished speaking and Chris felt his heart begin beating painfully against his chest. He had a horrible feeling that he knew where this was leading and he didn't want to go there. He was afraid to go there. Chris didn't like being afraid. Anger suited him better.

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, that would end this conversation before it began. But the tracker recovered his composure faster than Chris.

"I wasn't gonna say anything, at first" the husky voice continued. "Figured I had about as much of a chance as a long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs." For a brief moment, Vin's lips quirked in a familiar smile. But it faded quickly as he continued speaking.  
  
"But lately, I've been getting this feeling that maybe you.... Ever since that day when you thought I got caught in that ambush… It seems like you... I thought maybe...Awww hell! I aint saying this right." Vin removed his hat and ran his fingers nervously through his hair. He looked up at Chris, who stood frozen in the center of the room, and caught the gunslinger's green gaze with his own blue one.

"I need to know if you feel the same way about me as I do about you. I need to know if you want me the way I want you." The quiet intensity of the tracker's voice was too much for Chris. He tore his gaze away, striving to subdue the emotions Vin's speech had stirred in him.

"Is this your fancy way of asking if we're friends, Vin? You know we are." Chris deliberately pretended to misunderstand the younger man. He knew it was unworthy of him even as he spoke. And as he watched the spasm of hurt flash briefly across the tracker's face, he wished he could call back the words. Vin deserved better than that.

"That aint what I meant and you know it." Vin's reply caused Chris's gut to tighten. He did know. He just didn't want to admit it. A hot rush of feeling flooded through him as he stood there looking at Vin. Wanting to touch him. Wanting to run his fingers through the long brown hair. Just wanting Vin. He couldn't explain those feelings but he couldn't lie to himself about having them. He wasn't sure he could lie to Vin either if it came right down to it. But he also wasn’t sure he could act on them the way Vin wanted him to do. What a fucking mess this was. 

Abruptly Chris began to get angry. Damn Vin for making Chris think he was dead and causing all these feelings...these...thoughts... to come rushing to the surface. Damn Vin for haunting his dreams night and day since then. But most of all, damn Vin for having the courage to speak up and force Chris to confront his newfound feelings.

He glared at the tracker. "Dammit it, Vin! I don't want to know. It aint right." Chris saw Vin's involuntary flinch and the anger drained out of him as abruptly as it had come.

"I'm sorry, Vin. I..." Chris trailed off as his friend shook his head, ignoring Chris's outstretched hand.

"Naw...I'm sorry." Vin's voice was barely audible. "I should've kept my damn mouth shut. You don't need me laying more burdens on you. I just..." He stopped and took a deep breath. "I can be gone by morning. Tell the boys...well just give 'em my best." He took another deep breath and put his hat back on. "Guess that's it then."

The ache Chris felt as he heard the pain in Vin's voice was nothing compared to the ache he felt when Vin said he was leaving. He felt like somebody had taken a two by four and knocked all the breath out of him. Damn fool would head off to Tascosa and get himself killed. He didn't think he could stand to lose Vin like that. He might not be too sure about a lot of things right now but that at least was a certainty. 

He just couldn't take another loss like that. Like Sarah and Adam.

"Take care of yourself, cowboy." Vin turned to leave.

"Wait!" the desperate cry that tore from Chris's throat surprised him as well as Vin. 

The tracker turned slowly back around, wariness warring with renewed hope in those blue eyes.

"I...I need to think about...I don't know if I can...At least give me until morning." The disjointed plea from the usually calm and collected gunslinger caused a fleeting smile to cross Vin’s lips.

"All right. I reckon I can wait til morning." the tracker agreed softly. "Got me a room in the boarding house for the night. You know where to find me when you're done thinking. And if you don't find me by morning, I reckon that's answer enough."

Chris watched in silence as Vin walked out the door. He could hear the hoof beats growing fainter as Vin rode away until he was left with nothing but the sound of his own thoughts echoing in his head. 

Now the night was half over and he was no closer to an answer. He didn't even know why he'd come to the saloon except that he had thought he'd go crazy in all that silence after Vin's departure. He didn't want to talk to anyone, but he didn't want to be completely alone with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company either. He gave a short humorless chuckle. Knowing what he wanted wasn't the problem. He wanted Vin. Every glorious inch of him. Living with that knowledge was the problem. 

He couldn’t help but feel that he'd betrayed Sarah and Adam. Had that life with them been nothing but illusion? Had he been using them to hide his true nature even from himself? No. He couldn't believe that. He'd loved them both, heart and soul. He still did. But then why was he feeling this way towards another man? His best friend? Panic gripped him in its clutches yet again. Chris’s hand was wrapped around his empty glass so tight he was vaguely surprised it hadn't shattered. He needed to calm down and think dammit. Morning would come and if he didn't have an answer for Vin by then... Well, like the tracker had said. That would be answer enough. 

Carefully releasing his grip on the empty glass he rested his hands on the table. He had two choices here. Either he could admit his feelings to Vin and see where they led or he could let Vin go. No matter how much Chris wanted to go back and pretend none of this had ever happened, he knew that wasn’t an option. Even if Vin was willing to do that, these feelings would just fester until they poisoned whatever was left of their friendship anyway. 

So could he let Vin go? No. The answer was immediate. Maybe he could have in the past, but not anymore.

But could he really commit to a relationship of that nature with Vin? How could he be sure? Always hiding what they were, constantly looking over their shoulders for trouble. Maybe even having to leave town. Get away from their friends who maybe knew them a little too well to fool. 

That was as far as he got in his thoughts before the sound of familiar raucous laughter caused him to look over towards the table where Buck, JD, Nathan, and Ezra were playing a mostly friendly game of cards.

Unbidden his mind conjured up an image of him and Buck sleeping in the same bedroll, huddled together for warmth on the trail in past years. He couldn't remember wanting anything more than another blanket at the time. Seemed nothing had changed on that front. He didn’t want Buck the way he wanted Vin. He didn’t have the same sort of feelings for him at all. He loved Buck but he could, and had, done without him before. He could do it again if he had to, although it would pain him. The same held true for the rest of them, too. Vin was the first man he'd ever had feelings for. Feelings like you'd have for a woman. Feelings that meant maybe he couldn’t do without Vin in the same way. 

He looked again at the table where Nathan, Buck, and JD were playing cards with Ezra. It looked like Ezra was winning, as usual. As he stared at his friends, assessing them, he was mortally glad that they couldn't know what he was thinking. He didn't even want to imagine what Buck would say if he knew Chris was trying to picture the two of them together. He'd have been mighty relieved to find that Chris couldn't do it. Chris was mighty relieved himself. His gaze slid over JD. He was even more impossible to imagine than Buck. He considered Nathan then. As a healer, Nathan had touched every part of Chris at one time or another. But his hands had never lit a fire in Chris like the most casual of touches from Vin could do. Chris watched Ezra's nimble fingers shuffle cards and thought about those hands on him. Touching him. If he was being completely honest with himself, the idea didn't entirely repulse him. But it was nothing like his feelings towards Vin.

Somehow it all came back to Vin Tanner. Could he live with that? Or maybe the real question was, could he live without that? Was Chris really willing to let his fear decide his future? 

Pushing back his chair, he got to his feet. He had a certain blue eyed tracker he needed to see.


	2. The Answer is Always Vin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris + Vin = 2

Vin Tanner halted his restless pacing when he heard the footsteps in the hall. A combination of hope and fear caused his heartbeat to accelerate rapidly. The disappointment he felt when the footsteps continued on past his door felt like a knife twisting in his guts.

With a heavy sigh, the tracker sank down on the edge of the bed beside him. All the pacing in the world wouldn't bring Chris Larabee to his door any faster. If he came at all. Vin didn't even want to think about that possibility. But, as the hours dragged on and the night drew to a close, his fragile hopes seemed as distant as the moon shining above.

He'd felt a brief sense of euphoria after leaving Chris's house. He'd half expected the gunslinger to shoot him after he’d said his piece. Or, at the very least, demand that he leave town in a hurry. When he hadn’t done either of those things, Vin had dared to hope even if it was a luxury he could ill afford. 

Leaving town was still a distinct possibility however; one that became closer to reality with each tick of the clock. He could feel his hope trickling away with the minutes. He slouched down, tired to the bone. But sleep was impossible. As impossible as his hopes and dreams now seemed.

Vin was well aware how difficult it was to acknowledge certain kinds of feelings. Feelings men weren't supposed to have. At least not for each other. Hell, Vin's lips twisted in a wry grimace, it hadn't been all that easy for him to make peace with either. But he'd had no choice, really. From that very first glance across a dusty street, he'd been lost.

Lost. That was as good a word as any to describe the way he was feeling right now. Chris was his star and the others were his lodestones. Keeping him grounded. Without them, he was adrift. Just another bounty hunter with no real home and no one to call his own. Hell, he wasn’t even really a bounty hunter anymore. Couldn’t even call that his own.

Getting to his feet, he walked over to the window on the far side of the room. Gazing out, he could see the lights shining brightly from the saloon. He knew Chris was in there. Thinking.

Abruptly, Vin shivered and stepped back from the window. He knew the kind of thinking Chris Larabee was prone to do. Most of it revolved around guilt and regret and the notion that he was beyond redemption. Or love. Vin wanted more than anything to wrap his arms around the gunslinger and never let go. He'd drive away the shadows of pain in those eyes when he could and just hold on tighter when he couldn’t. Chris would never have to face his demons alone again. Vin would be there. Forever if Chris let him.

He closed his eyes, savoring these thoughts. But the relentless ticking of the clock drew him back to harsh reality. Now wasn’t the time for that. Might never be the time was the way things were looking.

Maybe he'd made a mistake in telling Chris how he felt and demanding a response like that. Maybe the flashes of longing he'd thought he'd seen in that cool gaze weren't directed at him. Didn’t mean what he’d thought. God, he wanted it to be true so badly that he could've just imagined it. 

Vin staggered back over to the bed. He never should've said anything. It was just that the gunslinger's smallest touch ignited such a fire in him that he didn't know how Chris could be unaware of it. Or fail to feel its flame as well. He wondered if any of the others knew how he felt. He suspected Ezra might've guessed. The gambler was a lot more perceptive, and sensitive, than he let on. If so, he’d kept his own counsel about it. Something Vin wasn’t too sure the others could, or would, do. He was asking a lot of Chris to risk that. Too much. He felt sick with regret. 

Vin curled up on the bed and wondered bitterly whether it would make any difference how Chris really felt about him anyway. The man was more than capable of hiding or denying his feelings. He’d likely just ruined everything and thrown away the closest thing he had to a family nowadays because he couldn’t be content with Chris’s friendship. He’d wanted more. He should’ve known better than to reach for the stars like that. They were beyond his reach and so was Chris.

Chris had possibilities. He had Mary Travis and her son. He could have a home, a real family, when he was ready.

He had nothing to offer Chris except himself. He wondered whether Chris would think that was enough. One Vin Tanner weighed against five other men, an entire town? Hell, he might not be any good at reading but he could do that arithmetic just fine. What had he been thinking? 

Vin sat up, ignoring the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and the lump in his throat. He might as well get his stuff together. Vin liked to think he was brave enough when it counted, but not in this. He couldn't stay here in town and see Chris every day. Couldn’t watch him turn to Mary, or someone like her, for all the things that Vin longed to give him. He would miss the others, and leaving Chris would tear him up, but staying would be a slow kind of death. He couldn’t do it even if it made him the biggest coward on God’s green earth. 

He wasn't sure where he would go. He supposed it didn't matter. Back to Tascosa, maybe. Hanging might come as a relief. 

He was so intent on his thoughts that he failed to hear the footsteps pause outside his door. He jumped when he heard the soft knock. Moving slowly over to the door, he cautiously eased it open, trying to stifle the spark of hope that had sprung to life again at the sound.

Chris Larabee stood outside in the doorway, looking like he might bolt at any minute. Vin opened the door a bit more widely and mutely gestured for Chris to come in. He wasn't sure if he could speak, his throat felt so tight.

Chris walked past Vin into the center of the room. Stopping, he turned to face the tracker.

"Vin, I...the soft voice had a slightly husky quality. Chris swallowed hard and began again. "I want... God help me, I want you. The right or wrong of it doesn’t seem to matter much compared to losing you. I can’t lose you. You wanted an answer. That’s it.”

Chris looked down at the floor and then back up at Vin, uncertainty written across every feature.

Vin stood frozen in shock. He could hardly believe his ears. He'd dreamed of this moment for so long, that now that it was actually happening it didn’t feel quite real. 

"Vin?" Chris' tentative voice broke his paralysis. 

Vin still couldn’t seem to speak, but he moved slowly towards the gunslinger, afraid he might vanish if Vin moved too quickly. He could see the tension in Chris's body as Vin stopped just a handspan away.

"Hey cowboy", Vin said softly, finally finding his voice. Tilting his head back, he gazed up at Chris. Then, reaching up, he brushed his mouth softly against the slightly parted lips. Chris brought his hands up to clutch at Vin’s hips, deepening the kiss. It was even better than Vin had imagined. But he had to be sure. Vin broke the kiss off and leaned back to look at Chris.

"Are you sure...he started to ask, when Chris cut him off. 

"I can live with it." And Chris smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> The very first slash story I ever wrote. The boys have internal monologues and wallow in their emotions. But they do get their happy ending so hopefully it was worth it both to them and to anyone who made it this far in the story. Thanks for reading. :)


End file.
